Struggles of a Parochial Man

its been quite a long time. Too long in fact that i dont even know what to write anymore, lol!

Anyway, i would like to talk about being assertive. Its a must especially if there is somebody who is more powerful than you are and that is always ready to cast its critical judgment in everything you do. Being assertive is proving your worth everyday, and i mean, every single day!

Sometimes, for a good or extraordinary things we did, we thought that our bossess already knew what we are capable of. so we sit back and relax… we might thought that they knew us well enough that we loss our focus on proving ourselves. But the truth is, everyday we are challenged to live up to that expectation. Its imperative to keep that momentum and never give them second thoughts that we are otherwise.

In other words, be that man that they thought your best! Breath that person that they thought your greatest! Because for every mistake that you do, you’ll plumet back and start from zero.

To put it in a different light, if your a parent, you should assert being a parent, everyday. You may not be physically around to attend to your children’s need but your role and responsibility as parent will continue, without breaks or leave of absence.

In short, the role that you played are conquered on a daily basis.No but’s, no if’s. Assert that role and grow with it. for there is no room for mediocrity.

So? and so what?

If words are like people, “So?” and “so what?”(with emphasis on the question mark), are my new found friends…

Honestly, its a defensive mechanism i developed and hoped to perfect.

Eversince, I have always been too careful with the way i look, speak, act and behave in public. Because im too cautious that people may judge me. Im so afraid of the comments they might cast on me. but then i realized, these fears are irrational. infact, the comments im too afraid of, are the comments i often thought of myself. In a way, i was the one who is so criticallly judgemental of my own act, look, speech etc. These are nonsense thoughts that i kept on entertaining in my mind. Im so sensitive of their judgment that i wanted to be really perfect for these people. But who is perfect anyway.

So now, when i do something that i think might make other people react, (or maybe they just dont care but im so afraid that they might…) in my head i just say, “so? so what?”… i can not be kept in a corner, afraid to step out just because i dont want to fail other people’s expectation of me. I can not be a slave of the judgment that i myself cast on myself. I have to move on and step up, even if other people wouldnt agree. I have to be me… ME with all my imperfections!

Inspite and despite… With or without their approval… So? and so what?

being alone is the best time to think and evaluate yourself. Sometimes we’re too busy with our daily activities that we forget to really connect with our self. We are so preoccupied with our responsibilities to our family and other people, that we fail to take care of our own need. To commune with yourself is a healthy way of nurturing your psychological and emotional well being.

Its like an engine, you need to check it up and maybe do change oil. Its also a time to pamper yourself. Eat what you want, have a body massage, get a new haircut, watch movie, thats spending time with yourself. Its a good way to jumpstart ur engine.

Its a boring, routine tuesday. Grand rounds with the boss’es, listening halfheartedly to the problems of patients as we conduct OPD consultations, going up and down in the ward to follow up xrays, lab result and cp clearance. Quite busy but cant help to feel down and uninspired. Its a cycle that even if we chose to be positive, we are caught in the passive side of life, it being a routine, no more no less.

But again, we chose to find meaning even in the most frigid moments. Sometimes we chose to hide or cover it with an overdeveloped sense of humor. But beyond the facade of laughter is the pure desire to be challenged. Because only then we can say that there is more to life than what we routinely experience.

Being alive is a daily assertion that we are here for a reason. We may not find the exact answer for that reason, but searching for it is reason enough to keep on going, to endure the ups and downs of our life’s journey.

Ergo… dont feel down being down, for the next day you’ll be down again, hehehe!

My brother always says that as we are God’s children, he gives us toys to play, and its all up to us to play it nicely and productively!

Well, i just remembered him today, because i was so exhausted from the Operating Room. Had my lunch @ 3pm. But i said to myself, my kuya is right. This is the toy God gave me, the scalpel! Although not always, but i sometimes wanted to surrender. There is so much to do, too many patients, too little time. And this game demands a certain level of effeciency. You can not operate haphazardly! There may be times which are beyond your control but God forbid, its not something that cause the life of the patient.

Whats also different in this specialty is that you are not dealing primarily on the life of the patient but more on the limb, the functionality of the patient. But then again, you can not treat the extremity alone, but treat the whole person.

So i was there, looking on my 3rd case of the day, quite lazy, half sleepy…… But then it came to me, this is the field i chose, this is my playpen, i might as well do my very best. It may not turn out perfect but its the best effort i can offer. Besides its also unfair for the patient who trust and believe on what i can do. To them, im the extension of the Almighty.

So how about you, whats the toy you’re holding? aren’t you tired of playing that same game? Dont worry, we all did, sometime, somewhere. Its just part of being human, but whats divine is to be faithful on the role that God has called you to become…

finally one of my “kabaro” was also blogging. Im referring to doc noy. thanks for the comment.

Another realization i have is that our resposibilities never stopped growing, everyday. At first i thought my responsibility is just to finish med school, pass the exam and that’s it. But no, you have to practice and be responsible to the life of your patients. And then you get married, and i thought my responsibility is just to provide what the needs of my wife and be faithful, and i thought its enough, but no! My two beautiful angels were born and its my responsibility to provide milk, diaper, yaya and etc. And then they started growing up, and you have to send them to school, and then you provide what the school needs, monthly presentations, field trips…

And then i went into residency training, its very demanding not only mentally but also physically. Its your responsibility to give what is expected of you as a resident. And then there is my farm that needs attention, and then my parents and siblings who also needs your time.

A lot of them that needs your focus, and then on top of that, i still want to plan our upcoming reunion, and then i almost forgot im going to present my research. wahhhhh! i still have to process my insurance claim for my other car. gosh i have to pay my phone and internet bill, have ultrasound to check my ureter, pick up laundry, buy shoes for my kids. Make entry on my blog. Present journal report on tuesday. blah! blah! blah!

The list is going on and on….

Sounds familiar? Thats reality! Our responsibilities are adding up, but these are just on top of our original duty as a husband, father, son, brother, friend, resident, business partner so on and so forth. And it is expected that you do your best in every role you played. It takes a meticulous balancing act to do all of this at the same time.

I know you have your own list too, and you will be surprised how you did it, im sure, without hesitation you’re with me as we claim to be “the superman”!!!

No matter how tired you are, when you see your kids, everything will disappear. I often heard this lines from my married cousins and uncle. I never thought that its true not until i have my kids. Its almost unexplainable but its the feeling of being complete. The real happiness is in the eyes of your children who are so innocent and who is so trusting in you. Because to them you are their hero, and their world revolves around you.

When I had my exam, and my case presentation, on that few minutes that I’m about to go in, I called my twin daughters. And their innocence and their giggles calmed me. Its as if, I pulled the strength in them. So inspiring that I have never to be afraid with anyone or anything.

To dominiq and danielle, thank you for being our reason… you are truly angels sent from above… you are the greatest gifts your mom and i ever received. lavuh!!!

Being practical can be a choice, or if u ran out of choice, can be a wastebasket option, meaning, ur just forced to be practical. in my case, i claim to be the latter…

You see, in my young married life, i never thought that il be thinking or worrying about my family’s future. Although im striving to be a consultant, a really good surgeon, but to consider it more deeply, i am working hard to reach my OWN goal, but in the end, its only for me.

I want to create something that is for all of us, my family. so i strive hard to buy farm land, even though it just small, but its a thing that we can call our own.

So i worked harder than most of my co-resident(co-doctor) because most of them are just aiming to be the best in their field. but of course, i have to sacrifice a lot. Honestly, its not me alone, but together with my lovely wife and adorable kids has to sacrifice, to the point that instead of sending my kids in a better school, i have to send them in a less expensive but not the top nursery school. And instead of using an expensive milk for them, i just used the cheap ones. Instead of living in a better house, we contend on a free space provided by my wife’s company, free of electricity, free of water. these are some of the sacrifices that i have to face evreyday, just so we can invest in our farm.

Worst, ive heard some of my contemporaries saying, how could i live in that situation when i am a physician. That’s the more bitter reality that i have to accept, the expectation of others. i wont say that were hard up on money, or we have lots of it either. the truth to the matter is that we dont have a fluid cash, everything that is surplus is immediately invested to little businesses. too little that its not worth mentioning. but i guess that’s me being practical not by choice.

I often envy my friends who sends their kids in expensive schools, i know that its the most critical part of their learning but i can not afford it right now. And i can not prioritize it now because of my planned farm investment. I can not imagine spending 70t pesos up just for Kindergarten. but in all reality, i cant imagine it because simply i cant afford it now…

im preparing for our monthly morbidity & mortality (M & M)census. this is the time when we present all our cases and to discuss whats done, what went wrong and what has to be done next time. this is why its best to be admitted in a training hospital because surgeons are trying to do what is best, what is close to ideal or otherwise you will be crucified for doing what is not in the book. however, no matter how much preparation you do, there are little things you missed whom you thought trivial but turned out to be essential. thats learning! easy to say but very hard to swallow especially when youre already there infront of the consultants who is ready to devour you in seconds! and it doesnt matter if you talk nice, or if you have good looks. what matters to them is whats inside your head. however, if in case u ran out of reason, you could always bow your head, be a man and proclaim defeat. afterall, they’re the consultants and your just the student… wish me luck, im preparing to be grilled.

this morning i had my drugtest taken for my employment. its really a serious test where they keep a close eye on you while you are collecting your urine sample. funny but as soon as you realize that somebody is watching you, it takes an eternity before the 1st drop of warm fresh fluid goes out of your system! but i have to commend the staff for doing their job properly. their strict and its expected of them, kulang na lang they’ll take those sample right from your bladder. a piece of plyboard measuring 1x3ft separates their eyes from ur privacy, im sure they can hear my last shiver. of course i understand why it has to be like this. its just quite an experience, and i just cant imagine what people gone through when they collected their semen for fertility testing, can you?